


To Pimp or not to Pimp

by lemotmo



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: AU, M/M, Stargate Atlantis AU, crack!fic, gigolo!John, pimp!Rodney
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 18:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemotmo/pseuds/lemotmo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>The crazy adventures of a gigolo and his pimp.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>A total crack! AU semi-fairytale ending fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Pimp or not to Pimp

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in the process of transferring my best fics from Livejournal to this Ao3 account. As I read the stories again, I can clearly see the way my writing-style has changed (for the better) over the years. However, I have decided to leave the fics as they are. Each story clearly reflects the way I looked upon the world at the moment of writing. I kinda like that.
> 
>  **This story is a repost from a fic written in December 2006**.

Leaning provocatively against the wall, John Sheppard peruses the club-scene in front of him. The beat of the music reverberates through his body as he slowly licks his lips, tilts his hips just right and—oh yes. He knows he’s scored once again when the green-eyed man who’s been ogling him for the last 10 minutes now, finally gets up from his bar-stool and quickly starts moving his way.

“That’s it baby,” John mutters while sending the guy his best come-hither smirk. “Just a couple more feet and then I can take care of you as quickly as possible, in exchange for all that shiny green money--”

“John!”

And _oh no_ , not again. Rodney McKay’s scowling face is suddenly filling his vision and before John has the chance to groan out loud to make Rodney understand just how unwelcome his interference is right now, Rodney throws his arms around John’s neck and presses his lips to his in a very messy, wet kiss.

“Rodney--,” John says, dislodging his mouth from Rodney’s and pushing him away from him. “What the fuck?”

“Listen, I can’t explain right now,” Rodney says, still perched firmly into John’s personal space. “Just pretend I’m your boyfriend okay?”

“My boyfriend? Rodney, have you lost your mind? Because the last time I checked, you were my somewhat annoying pimp— not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah yeah I know. Just humor me, okay?“

As John looks over Rodney’s shoulder he sees how the green-eyed man warily eyes Rodney’s chokehold on John’s neck and turns around again.

“Oh great,” John spits out.

“What?”

“You know what, Rodney?” John says, prying off Rodney’s arms from around his neck. “You have to be the number one lousiest pimp on the entire planet—maybe even the universe. Your clingy behaviour just made me lose a shitload of money—again.”

“Well, that guy looked dangerous,” Rodney complains, finally releasing his hold on John. “So I decided to stop the seduction.”

“Dangerous? And why exactly did you think he was dangerous? He was what? Twenty? He looked like a college boy on leave—and you know what? Since the _Pegasus club_ is highly popular among the student population-- he probably was.”

“You don’t know that,” Rodney argues. “He could have been a sociopath who preys on unsuspecting gigolo’s.”

“Are you insane, Rodney? Is that it?” John tiredly asks, rubbing his forehead in defeat. “Is there a family history of craziness in the McKay family? Because if there is, please tell me now. That way I can see about finding some new representation, because you might be a lot of things, but you’re not a very good pimp. For the last month you have done nothing but boycott my every date or seduction.”

“I have not,” Rodney splutters.

“Oh no?”

“No.”

“What about that dark guy with the curls at club _Wraith_ two weeks ago?”

“He looked like a hippie! He could have drugged you and had his evil way with you,” Rodney practically yells.

“He was a school teacher!” John shouts back, trying to outdo the heavy bass of the too loud music. “And besides—them having their way with me is what they pay me for to start with. It’s what a gigolo does.”

“That is so not true and you know it,” Rodney whispers quietly, not nearly loud enough for John to hear. “They pay you to have a good time, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. Never at your expense.” 

“You always do this Rodney,” John just prattles on, oblivious of Rodney’s reply. “You always interfere. What about that nice guy last week?”

“Who?” Rodney asks, genuinely puzzled.

“You know. The cute guy who offered me all that money to spend the week with him in Hawaii?” John says, “Hawaii, Rodney! I could have been sitting on a beach in paradise by now, sipping my Pinã Colada. But no—you had heard rumours that he was connected to an extreme Arab terrorist group.”

“Well, it was only a rumour, but he could be!” Rodney defends himself.

“He was Swedish and blond!” John yells. “He made a living by designing doll houses!”

“Well, you know—he was good with his hands. How do you know he didn’t build bombs in his spare time?” Rodney asks, crossing his arms over his chest and sticking his chin out defiantly. “I mean, after all, I built a working model of a nuclear bomb when I was eleven. If I can do it, so can he—well—actually he can’t since I’m a genius and he’s—well, you catch my drift, yeah?”

“ _Ohmygod_ , you really are crazy,” John exasperatedly mumbles. “That’s it. No more. You’re fired.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“You can’t fire me.”

“Oh? And why not?”

“I have dangerous friends who’ll break your legs if you leave me?” Rodney carefully suggests.

“Oh please, you have no friends. And breaking my legs? You threw a fit because you bumped your big toe into the door two days ago.”

“I do have friends,” Rodney indignantly replies. “They just don’t like me very much. And don’t talk about my accident like that. My toe still hurts and—and-- oh, this is all so besides the point. The point is that you can’t fire me.”

“So I ask again: why not?” John asks with a steely voice.

“Because—because—“ Rodney starts, unable to finish his sentence.

“Ha!” John exclaims, “You can’t even explain why. Exactly proving my point of you having gone around the bend. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He adds, already turning away from Rodney, “I have a new employer to find. Have a nice life Rodney.”

“John—wait!” Rodney says a little desperately, clinging on tightly to John’s left arm. “I can take you there.”

“What? What are you talking about? Take me where?” John asks confused.

“Hawaii, I can take you to Hawaii if that’s what you really want. I don’t even have to go with you. You can just go alone and it’ll be the same as if you had said _yes_ to that guy. Only— only this time, you’d be there just for you—not for him.” Rodney softly offers.

“Rodney, what are you talking about?”

“I’m saying that you don’t have to do this anymore John,” Rodney explains. “Not if you don’t want to. You’re too damn good for this kind of work. You—you don’t have to do this. Just say the word and I’ll help you get away.”

“Rodney,” John says, gently removing Rodney’s clinging hand from his arm so that he can fully face him. “Have you been-- in some weird whacked-up and completely misguided way of course-- trying to protect my virtue?”

“Well—no, I mean—I might have—possibly—yes.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say?” Rodney asks.

“Well excuse me for needing some time to think this over, McKay. It’s not every day a guy’s pimp actually tries to get him out of the job instead of in. I mean—why?”

“I told you. You deserve better than this. You’re John Sheppard. Good-looking, smart—just a genuine good guy. And this—“ he says, gesturing around him. “This is not you. Hell, I’m not even sure it’s me anymore.”

“I don’t know what to say,” John utters, stunned beyond belief.

“Don’t say anything. Just say _yes_ and tomorrow you’re off to Hawaii. You’ll meet some great guy you can spend the rest of your days with and—and-- you’ll be happy,” Rodney says, smiling that sad crooked smile of his.

“No.”

“John—“

“No,” John repeats, a little more forceful now. “This is too easy. There’s something else going on here. Something you haven’t told me.”

“John—there’s nothing going on,” Rodney says, frustration colouring his voice. “I just—look— when I signed you up to work for me I didn’t know that you’d become one of my closest friends, all right? I like you a lot and I just want to see you happy. That’s all.”

“That’s all?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you’d pay for my trip to Hawaii and you’d just let me go like that. No more obligations towards you. I could meet some guy and just stay with him?” John asks.

“Yes.”

“Well—“

“Well what?”

“What if I told you that I’ve already met the guy I want to spend the rest of my days with?” John asks a little tentatively.

“Oh,” Rodney says, sending John a fake little smile. “Well—then I suppose you can take him with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not just kidding me?” John seriously asks.

“No,” Rodney replies. “I’m not. I promise. Just go and tell the lucky bastard that you’re leaving tomorrow. I’ll take care of the tickets and the accommodations.”

“Well, that could turn out to be a problem.” John says, his voice rising a little as he can’t help but shoot Rodney a radiating smile.

“What do you mean?” Rodney asks, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

“Well, I’m not sure if the guy will say _yes_.”

“Are you kidding?” Rodney bursts out. “Trust me—when _you_ ask him to go, he’ll go.”

“You think so?” John asks, pursing his lips as if in doubt.

“Yes, who could possibly refuse an invitation like that from you?” Rodney tries to assure him by asking the question.

“Well—he could,” John explains. “I mean, especially because he doesn’t know that I kind of like him—a lot.”

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“No. There was always something that held me back.”

“Which was?” Rodney urges him to go on.

“Well, he is a little anal retentive and he can be quite petty and arrogant. And I’m not even talking about this annoying condescending way he has of putting people down.”

“Well, he doesn’t sound like a very pleasant guy.” Rodney says, a little disapprovingly. “I’m not sure if I want to spend my money on him going to Hawaii.”

“Hmm—he may not sound like a pleasant guy,” John starts, “but he’s actually quite—likeable once you get to know him better. You just have to look underneath all that bluster and pompousness. And then you’ll find that he’s caring and _–most of all-_ honest. He’s never lied to me—well, not in a way that mattered anyway. And I think I’m finally beginning to realise that, for a long time now, he’s been looking out for _my_ best interests-- instead of his own.”

“Wait a minute,” Rodney says, gesturing wildly. “You’re not—I mean—you couldn’t—that is to say—if you were? I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea— but you’re probably _not_ and I’m making a fool of myself— I should just stop talking now.”

“Yeah, you should,” John says, smiling indulgently. “You should go home and start packing.”

“John—what are you saying?” Rodney asks, a little breathless.

“I’m saying: no more games, Rodney. Only complete honesty from this point on. I’m saying that I think it’s time for a career change for the both of us. I’m saying: Hawaii, tomorrow. I’m saying _you and me_ — that is—if you’re willing?” John shyly adds.

“Are you kidding me?!” Rodney shouts. “Why would I—YES! Yes yes yes! A thousand times yes! But, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” John says as he slowly cups Rodney’s face in his hands. “I’ve never been more sure in my life. You are without a doubt the strangest pimp I’ve ever had, but you’re also the last. I promise.”

“That is—,’ Rodney swallows loudly, “very good to hear actually. But why me?”

“Do you need me to draw you a graph?” John jokes.

“Well, no—but I’m not exactly—well— look at me—“ Rodney stammers.

“Let’s just say you managed to grab my attention—in every way possible,” John explains, smiling a little at Rodney’s stammering.

“Oh. Okay then,” Rodney says, already recovered from his unusual shyness. “So are you going to kiss me now or should I just—hmmmp”

~*~

And the next day they flew to Hawaii, where they settled down in a small village, surrounded by the locals they quickly befriended. Well—John befriended them anyway. It took Rodney a considerable amount of time longer to actually make _one_ friend, but with John’s help –and the invention of a revolutionary water driven air conditioner the size of a fruit fly, to cool down their houses, which Rodney patented, put on the western market and which made him a fortune- he finally managed to gain their trust. And in the end? Yes—I guess you could say they lived happily ever after.

**FIN**


End file.
